The best jokes
What is Heaven and what is Hell...
Heaven is where the police is British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers Greeks and is all organised by Swiss. Hell is where the cooks are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Greeks.
Why is it computers must be male?
- They are heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
- They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
- They'll usually do what you ask them to do,but they wan't do more than they have to and they won't thing of it in their own.
- They are tipically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model.Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they are compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
- They get too hot when you turn them on,and that's the only time you have their attention.
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the crew.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It's always neccessary to have a backup.
- They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- The light's are on but nobody's home.
- Big power surges knock them out for the night.
- Size does matter.
The best sexual jokes!
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite starled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you will forgive me" She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221".
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister" responded the young man
"6 shots!!! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will".
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seatted next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellows and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He ask her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that Americans have the longer averange penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He cooly replies, "Tonto Kowalsky, nice to meet you".
One night, as a couple lays down for ded, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to be fresh". The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again and this time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?".
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. "Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds. Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face".
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter". Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No". Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!".
Which body part goes to heaven first?
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God". The teacher praised the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love". "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought I'm not gonna like this, "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet". The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parent's bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, "Oh God, I'm coming!".
At Pearly Gates
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to in order to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?". Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed, "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!".
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead". Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps, "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!".
The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighed, "Come on in, George".
Once upon a time...
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road.
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Okay".
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here".
The shepherd answers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep".
The young man takes an animal and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are a consultant".
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple", answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my DOG back?"
